yesterday, justin and i sat down with our coffee to write out our goals for 2009. we sealed them in an envelope, not to be opened until next new years eve. as i was writing out my desires, goals, struggles from past years, i was struck with how far i've come in one year and yet, how far i have to go....
i'll share a struggle with you. GUILT.
i looked up GUILT in the dictionary:
- guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done).
my struggle tends to be the conflict i face when i feel that i have let someone down, or haven't fulfilled the expectations i have put on myself. today, this really hit me when i prepared to clean the house after the past month of busyness. i felt overwhelmed with every corner i passed, with every drawer i opened, with every load of laundry, with every cabinet that needed to be washed down. i quickly got hit with all the GUILT.. how could i have let my family down? why can't i seem to get it all done? am i lazy, am i selfish? the list goes on...
i thought i was getting better and i believe that i have given so much of it over to God. but, i do know that i have a long way to go in this area. i still carry with me so much of wanting to please everyone, i hate to disappoint, i hate to say no. i know that God is stripping away these layers and that this is not what He wants for me. i trust Him. i need to lay this at His feet. my desire is that i'm obedient and that all i do glorifies Him, not man...
i'm looking forward to what God has in store for me this year. the most encouraging part is that i'm not the one in charge.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation
of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19 :14
dear heavenly father, i surrender the guilt to you. i know Lord, that it does not please you. i want to be filled with you. i want your desires for me to be my desires. i thank you that i can lay this at your feet and you wipe me clean. as i begin the new year, Lord, may my words and actions be pleasing to you. may i set aside my earthly flesh and be filled with your holy spirit.