unrealistic expectations

i shared with you all a few posts back about being in the midst of the trial. well, news to report, it seems that the trial is over. let me share....... we decided after much prayer and agony to homeschool our 1st grader this year. last year she was in kindergarten and we knew her teacher very well from church and because of that we were confident in having M in her class. we tried to get Mrs. M to move up the the 1st grade, but after many pleading sessions, we quickly realized that was not going to happen. so, what do we do..... we were not confident in the school as a whole, let alone the school system. we researched and found a wonderful christian school in our area and we were really excited, but God quickly changed those plans when funding for justin's non-profit fell through. plan b- homeschool seemed like the only option at the time and i struggled with the decision, but was I was determined to make it work. as august 17th approached, i became more anxious, determined and overwhelmed. i spent that first week of school trying to come up with a schedule, lesson plan and most of all patience. many nights of praying myself to sleep. i know this is not unusual for new homeschool moms, so in many ways i felt a bit relieved. we went to michigan for two weeks and i tried to get M to buckle down and do her school work- it was nearly impossible with all the family around. most of my time spent in MI, i felt anxious and so nervous to get home. it was very difficult to relax and enjoy my time without thinking about starting school once we got home.

we finally arrived home on tuesday and when i opened the door to the house, i immediately felt this heaviness hit me. my demeanor changed and i become irritated, impatient, and not very loving. i knew exactly what it was.... wednesday, we sent our little L off to her first day of preschool and i was determined to have M study all morning. boy, how that failed.... it became impossible to get her to sit and not be distracted. {i'll speed up the story} our home has always been a fun place and to have her try and switch gears was a real struggle for me. she's a very quick learner and has really enjoyed learning. i thought that was going to be on my side, but in fact it worked against me. i wondered was she learning anything???

thursday, a dear friend of mine called to chit chat. i unloaded all the concerns and issues i had with homeschooling. after listening to me carry on, she mentioned a school that they had heard about. after getting all the details, i called the school and was told that they have one 1st grade spot available and that it might fill quickly. i made an appointment for that afternoon to look at school and called justin to fill him in. i picked justin up from church, {the school is only 5 minutes away from calvary}. when we entered the building we immediately had that small town feeling. i had been praying to either move back east or find a school that has a strong sense of community and parental involvement. after speaking with the director and administrative staff we felt such at ease with this school. i took the application and began filling it out, just as i finished the paperwork the secretary received a call about that open spot in 1st grade. whew! not open anymore..... as we were leaving this incredible peace came over and i just knew this was from Him. my only hesitation was having to tell M. when justin came home that night, we sat down with her and explained all our reasons for enrolling her in school and her response was "YEAH!!!!!". again another confirmation from God.

there is still a bit of a junk that i'm wrestling with and mostly it's my sense of failure. i wanted so desperately to make this work. i had such grand expectations of how i thought homeschooling was going to come together. and again, they were unrealistic expectations. i think that's always been my problem. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.... ugh..... the biggest relief has been that my sweet husband has and still is so supportive of whatever direction we take. he said on our way back to church that day " let's be frank, i never wanted you to homeschool, but you were so determined, so i just let you go with it." he knows me so well.

we're two days into school and M just loves it. she's so excited and the only issue she has is the fact that she has to wear a uniform. "mom, i want to look pretty"- i think she was relieved to see that she wasn't the only one in khaki pants and an oxford shirt.


thank you Lord, that you allow us to go through the junk and that you know in the end that we'll be stronger because of it. thank you for providing options for us and giving Mia such an excitement for school. i'm honored that you allowed me to try homeschooling and that the way out was always there. thank you for my sweet justin who is so supportive and yet, convicting at the same time. what a beautiful example of who you are in my loving husband. i commit this new year to you and look forward to seeing what you'll do Mia's life. also, we're so grateful for the little christian school that Lis is able to attend, and that you have provided above and beyond to make it happen.


SIDE NOTE: sorry for the long post and i'm not much of a writer. i believe there are lots of run on sentences, yikes.